What Cryptids Would Do for a Living

Jul 28

If Cryptids Had Jobs: A Satirical Look

Cryptozoology isn’t all dark forests and mysterious footprints. Sometimes, it’s fun to imagine what would happen if our favorite mythical creatures had to clock in at 9 a.m. like the rest of us. Whether it's Bigfoot in security, the Florida Skunk Ape in lawn care, or the Chupacabra in vampire prevention services, this post takes a satirical deep dive into the wild world of cryptid employment.

While we normally associate these elusive beings with urban legends, unexplained phenomena, and the ever-growing field of cryptozoology, this time, we’re exploring their work ethic. What careers would they pursue if they had résumés, lunch breaks, and HR complaints?

Bigfoot: National Park Security Officer

Department of Sasquatch Homeland Protection

Let’s be honest: Bigfoot is the perfect candidate for forest security. The Pacific Northwest Sasquatch knows every trail in Olympic National Park like the back of his giant, hairy hand. With real Bigfoot sightings cropping up near campgrounds and hiking trails, it only makes sense that he’s moonlighting as a park ranger with a side hustle in “scaring off nosy tourists.”

Skills:

Stealth movement in mossy terrain
Knows where all the good fishing spots are
Leaves perfect Bigfoot footprints for tourists to "accidentally" discover

Uniform:
SPF 50 outdoor performance shirts from What The Sas (obviously moisture-wicking, because sweating under all that fur is no joke).

Florida Skunk Ape: Exotic Landscaping & Odor Control

The Florida Skunk Ape, the Sunshine State’s own take on Sasquatch, has found a niche that combines his natural musk and swamp savvy: Lawncare and Exotic Flora Installation.

This Southern Bigfoot sighting specialist moonlights as a cryptid gardener with a flair for all things overgrown, untamed, and just a little weird. Want tropical ferns, alligator moss, and a banana tree mysteriously planted in your backyard? He’s your guy.

Skills:

No need for gas-powered trimmers; he just rips the weeds out
Smells like compost (it’s natural)
Immune to mosquito bites

Uniform:
A straw hat (available in the What The Sas Bigfoot gear lineup), cargo shorts, and flip-flops. SPF optional. Pride, mandatory.

Chupacabra: Vampire Pest Control Services

The Chupacabra is notorious for being the livestock's worst nightmare. So, it only seems fitting that this cryptid creature goes legit by joining the pest control business. He’s rebranded as “Chupa’s Critter Clean-Up”, specializing in bat infestations, rabid raccoons, and suspicious nighttime livestock loss.

Skills:

Night vision
Fluent in goat
Certified in "Bloodless Extractions"

Uniform:
UV-resistant hoodie (because even cryptids need skin protection). Logo? A cartoon goat looking nervously over its shoulder.

Mothman: Air Traffic Controller

With wings like those and glowing red eyes that see into the future (allegedly), Mothman is a shoo-in for air traffic control. Who else can direct flights AND predict infrastructure collapses before they happen?

Based out of Point Pleasant, West Virginia, Mothman keeps busy watching radar screens and freaking out interns.

Skills:

Predicts mechanical failure through sixth sense
Telepathic communication with drones
Has never been late for a shift (but always leaves mysteriously early)

Uniform:
A black Sasquatch t-shirt from What The Sas apparel (even he reps for the competition sometimes).

Ohio Grassman: Corn Maze Consultant

If you’ve ever wandered into a corn maze and didn’t come out until Thanksgiving, it’s probably because you were caught in the masterwork of the Ohio Grassman. This midwestern cryptid has a side gig designing overly complicated corn mazes, often shaped like the state of Ohio or a Bigfoot footprint.

Skills:

Expert in corn geometry
Leaves behind hair samples for authenticity
Talks to cows for weather predictions

Uniform:
Overalls, one strap unclasped. Possibly a Bigfoot koozie in the back pocket and a thermos full of locally brewed cryptid coffee.

Jersey Devil: Paranormal Party Planner

Need a party theme? The Jersey Devil specializes in spooky, cryptid-chic events for the urban legend elite. Halloween parties? Covered. Goatman’s retirement bash? Nailed it. Birthday party for your kid who’s into mysterious creaturesand Sasquatch gifts? Legendary.

Skills:

Confetti breath
DIY Ouija board design
Knows where to rent fog machines cheap

Uniform:
A vintage Sasquatch hoodie—because irony.

Loch Ness Monster: Aquatic Yoga Instructor

Nessie spends her days floating in the misty lochs of Scotland and her evenings leading “Aqua-Chi” sessions for cryptids with back problems. Think of it as a mix between water aerobics and sea serpent stretching.

Skills:

Can hold her breath for 14 hours
Offers emotional support to nervous lake swimmers
Bonus: doubles as a flotation device

Uniform:
Stylized seaweed sash. Branded What The Sas stickers on her waterproof yoga mat.

California Wild Man: Freelance Influencer

The California Wild Man—Bigfoot’s sun-kissed, avocado-toast-eating cousin—has taken to Instagram to promote custom cryptid designs, Bigfoot apparel, and sustainable forest fashion. Sponsored by What The Sas shirts, of course.

Skills:

Uses ring light made of quartz and sunlight
Has 1M followers but refuses to do TikTok
Writes cryptic captions in tree bark font

Uniform:
Distressed flannel, hemp necklace, and retro shades. Think “lumberjack chic meets boho cryptid.”

Yeti: Cold Storage Facility Manager

Operating out of the Himalayas, the Yeti found a cool new job—literally. As a cold storage manager, he organizes frozen meats, cryogenic evidence of real Bigfoot sightings, and the occasional misplaced popsicle.

Skills:

Thermoregulation
Speaks fluent Himalayan marmot
Operates forklifts with snowshoes

Uniform:
Parkas are for amateurs. The Yeti rocks a moisture-wicking performance shirt—SPF 50 because even abominable beasts get sunburn.

Loveland Frogman: IT Support for Cryptids

Need help with your Sasquatch surveillance camera? The Loveland Frogman is your go-to amphibian for cryptid tech support. He’s a coding genius who works from his lily pad and answers support tickets through enchanted ribbits.

Skills:

JavaScript, C++, swamp magic
Repairs trail cams from 200 yards away
Has a VPN that actually works in the woods

Uniform:
Glasses, headset, and a What The Sas mousepad.

Honorable Mentions:

Beast of Bray Road: Lyft driver on full moons
Dover Demon: Children's librarian
Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp: Personal trainer (legs day only)
Fouke Monster: BBQ pitmaster with a secret sauce (it’s not people)

The 9-to-5 World of Mythical Creatures

While Bigfoot may not actually clock in with a punch card and a lunchbox, imagining these legendary creatures trying to survive in our world is a hilarious way to look at folklore, urban legends, and cryptozoology for beginners.

Whether you’re a fan of cryptid merchandise, enjoy collecting Bigfoot collectibles, or just need to get your Bigfoot hoodie from What The Sas, remember—these creatures work hard (in theory). Why not dress the part and support a veteran-owned Bigfoot company while you're at it?